give it up.

give up. all your emotions. all your wants. make a prayer, call it what you will: dedication of merit. and then know, that even when someone says, "please, do anything, just don't hurt me." that you will. because you sir are addicted. and that when you come up face to face with your heart, you can't bear to look into its eyes for more than an hour a day and after you do you have to drink it all away to be okay.
fall in what you think is love and feel your heart beat for the first time in years, feel the tears come rushing out of you hot on your cheeks and watch her walk away. watch her not be okay with all this shit you've become and the lies you've presented her with, and when your friends were warning you about her, maybe they were just looking out for her instead.
cry tonight while you type this and fall from grace. like you ever have known grace. i wish, boy, that you could be what you once promised. you looked the whole world right in the face and said, "i can and will be this Man". and now...you, boy, go on being the sadder part of infinity.
wanting to blame it all on karma when you know damn well that you should just give it up and sleep it off and for god-fucking-sakes remember every moment of this to either berate yourself with later or to learn from. but at least to remember for her sake. you owe this to every sentient being that you supposedly make this dedication of merit to and that includes you.
i'm sorry. i'm very much not willing to die, and love is very much not willing to kill me, though it tries. she is the right one. right now. let me see this...and beyond seeing, let me overcome disgrace and show this to every person and creature i encounter. i owe it to no one but everyone: the god contained in every act and every moment. now.

it's a ship sailor. look at her.

little bludgeon you thimble prick
and bloody drip break eyesight
sore to be so sired on a new year
text controlled flight shatter in here
blue but bright shoe songs time
and time drive sorrow uncharted away
up out of dark for air take train
rides play hands till oceanview
laughter at the sight of land-ho!
and behold a chewed up horizon
plasma rich skyscape and fish strewn
sand bars where you've been anthems
where letters in sock-drawers aren't
secrets where gravity is the history
of collision at odds with the prize
that is pride

met your mother today
wasn't sure how to smile
which foot to stand on, shifted

loved her, and your brother
too, their house, big dumb
dog. look where you come from!

series 2

created a mysterious life-
long heartbreak but forgot
life isn't as much long as
bad novels, greyhound rides

bright skies over night
cities, beds born in and
out of joy, grief, wrung hands
so many "oh.....'s"

screens made of god
knows what, flicker paint
strobe washes on walls,
faces everywhere

and so it starts
out in streetlight neon
pacing enigmatic in puddles
while cars whirl around

beginning

there are geniuses
in this world playing
their dealt hand
while numbers or letters
make fractals in their heads

series 1

cats are patient
i'm six years older than i am and
the night cattails, crumples
itself around us,
us around the nearest star

everything i've been told
about hope, or other beliefs
has come crescendo and mute
against this one mime
of life, this ossified sky

this is every plane in the night,
every airport sigh, all supersonic
and concorde bright, let us amen
with our eyes closed, dream a
perfect god, atone

my other brother blog from another mothers blog...blog.

lookinme.blogspot.com

this is my other, older, first blog. god i hate the word "blog". but maybe some of the older posts in it will be worth your time. thank you for reading this.